세바시 152회 | 내 안의 두려움을 극복하는 법 | 권율 미 PBS 'Link Asia' 진행자

 

강연 소개 : 예일대 로스쿨 졸업, 구글과 맥킨지 등 세계적인 기업에서 근무, 2006년 미 CBS의 대형리얼리티쇼 '서바이버'의 한국인 우승자, 한인 최초의 미 국영방송 진행자. 제 경력만 본다면 사람들은 저를 엄친아라고 생각할 겁니다. 하지만 그렇지는 않습니다. 내성적인 성격과 공황장애, 그리고 친구의 자살. 화려한 커리어와는 별개로 제 삶속에는 항상 두려움이 있었습니다. 저는 여러분들에게 이 두려움에 대한 이야기, 이 두려움을 극복하고 삶의 도전을 던지는 용기에 대해 이야기하겠습니다.

 

 

게시일: 2012. 6. 3.

 

 

 

안녕하세요 저는 권 율 입니다

여러분을 뵙게 되어 영광입니다

한국에 잠시 와 있는 동안 

저를 알릴 기회를 주셔서 감사합니다

 

몇 해 전, 저는 생존경쟁 TV 프로그램인 '서바이버'에서 우승을 했습니다

우승을 한 후에, 한국의 많은 분들께 감명 깊은 편지들을 많이 받았습니다

한국인이 우승했다는 사실이 너무 자랑스럽다고 말해 주시기도 했지요

많은 부모님들은 제게 하버드, 스탠포드, 예일법대 같은 유수의 대학에 어떻게 입학하는지,

구글과 맥킨지 같은 훌륭한 회사에 어떻게 들어갔는지 알려달라는 부탁도 하시죠

조금 특이한 편지도 몇 통 받았는데 

결혼해달라는 편지도 있었습니다 

그런데 편지들의 서체가 모두 똑같은 것으로 보아 

글씨체가 조금 지저분하고 남성적이어서

혹 남자가 보낸 것이 아닐까 하는 생각도 했습니다 ^^

아무튼 저는, 제가 지금껏 받아온 큰 후원에 감사하고, 제가 읽었던 모든 편지에 감동을 했답니다

 

그 중에서도 가장 저를 감동시킨 것은 바로, 오늘 이 자리에 참석해주신 

훌륭한 꿈과 야망을 가진 학생들의 편지를 받고 큰 영감을 받았습니다

그러나 동시에, 수많은 청소년들이 고통을 겪고 있다는 사실도 듣게 되었습니다

많은 청소년들이 학교와 부모님의 압박에 힘들어 하고 있죠 

또 성공하지 못하면 가족들에게 큰 실망을 줄까봐 걱정합니다

그리고 그 중 어떤 친구들은 자신의 깊은 감정적 문제 

또는 심리적인 어려움을 쑥스럽고 부끄러워서 

누군가에게 털어놓지 못하고 혼자 끙끙 앓고 있습니다 

저는 이런 이야기를 들을 때마다 제가 어릴 적 겪었던 어려움이 떠올라 

그런 친구들에게 마음이 많이 갑니다 

 

 

현재의 제 모습만 아는 사람들은 사회적인 위치와 성과를 보고는 

저는 항상 성공해왔고 천성적인 리더라고 생각하십니다 

그러나 사람들이 모르는 것이 있는데 저는 수년 간 정상적 삶을 살 수 없었습니다

저는 점점 더 고립되고 우울해지면서 멋진 미래를 생각할 수 없었기에 자살을 상상을 하기도 했지요 

그러나 저는 다른 사람들이 이해해주지 못하고 비난할까 두려워 

누구에게도 도움을 청하지 못한 채 혼자만의 시간을 보내야했습니다 

 

우리는 여전히 심리적 문제는 의학적인 문제라고 생각하지 않고 단순히 성격 결함이라 치부해버리는 사회에 살고 있어요 

사람들은 도움을 찾기보다는 혼자 고통을 겪고 있습니다 

이런 폭넓은 이해가 부족하기에 가족들과 친구들은 도움을 주기보다는 

오히려 그 사람을 무시하거나 비판을 하기도 하고요 

우리는 이런 낙인과 고정관념이 비극으로 치닫기 전에 바꾸어야 합니다 

 

그래서 지난 몇 년 동안 겪었던 문제에 대해 솔직하게 이야기하기 시작했고 

'나는 매일 진화한다'라는 책을 통해 이런 경험들을 담았습니다

제 문제에 영향을 미친 많은 이유가 있겠지만 특히 제가 자라온 환경은 가장 큰 영향을 미쳤어요 

 

제가 미국에서 태어난 1975년에 한국인은 미국 전체 인구의 0.15%에 불과했습니다 

소수민족의 일원은 차별 당하기 쉽습니다

어머니가 말씀하시길 제가 어렸을 때는 사교성이 풍부한 편이었다고 해요

하지만 학교를 다니기 시작하면서 변하기 시작했다고 합니다

우리 부모님이 한국말을 쓰셨고 어머니가 김밥과 김치 같은 음식을 

점심으로 싸주셨기 때문에 아이들은 저를 놀렸습니다

게다가 혀 짧은소리까지 냈던 탓에 사람들은 제 말을 잘 이해하지 못했습니다

말을 하는 것 자체를 두려워하게 되었습니다 

그러나 침묵은 전혀 도움이 되지 않았고 괴롭힘은 더욱 심해졌죠 

아이들은 나에게 동양인이라고 곁눈질 하며 놀렸습니다 

 

그 중 저에게 특별히 강한 충격을 준 사건이 있었습니다

초등학교 때 상급생들은 저처럼 조그만 아이들을 

화장실에서 실컷 두들겨 패고 오줌을 갈기는 등 괴롭혔습니다 

괴롭힘이 끝난 후에도 누가 있으면 화장실 가기가 무서웠습니다 

아무리 노력해도 긴장이 풀리지 않아 화장실에 갈 수조차 없었습니다 

공중 화장실을 쓰지 못했기 때문에 영화를 보거나 파티, 스포츠 행사나 쇼핑몰 같은 곳에는 가지도 못했답니다 

 

평범한 아이들이 누릴 행복을 누리지 못했습니다 

하루에도 20번 넘게 손을 씻어 손이 갈라지고 피가 나기도 했습니다 

사람들과 마주해야 하는 상황이 되면 긴장하고 땀 흘리는 사회공포증도 갖게 되었죠

백인들과 여자들 앞에서는 특히 더 심했고요 

단순히 조금 땀나는 게 아니었습니다 

온 몸과 얼굴이 땀으로 범벅이 되어 셔츠가 완전 젖어버릴 정도였습니다 

그래서 이런 창피를 겪느니 차라리 사람들을 피해야겠다고 생각했습니다 

모든 문제들이 우울하게 만들었고 또 외롭고, 부끄럽게 만들었습니다 

지금 생각해보면 저는 그 때 도움을 구했어야 했어요 

그러나 당시에는 이런 비밀을 누군가가 안다는게 싫었습니다 

부모님은 저를 사랑하셨지만 제 고민을 아시게 되면 어리석은 허상이라고 치부해버리거나 나에게 실망하실 것 같아 두려웠죠 

 

그래서 저는 혼자 침묵하며 고민하는 수밖에 없었습니다

저는 이런 문제들이 점차 나아지게 해달라고 기도를 했지만 

실망스럽게도 시간이 지날수록 상황은 점점 더 나빠졌습니다 

이런 우울함은 절망이 되었고 저는 자살을 생각할 만큼 힘들었습니다 

 

제 형에게 닥친 비극이 아니었다면 이런 절망은 계속 되었을 것입니다 

중학교 시절, 집에 있을 때 형에게 전화가 한 통 걸려왔습니다 

통화를 마칠 때쯤 형은 하얗게 질려있었고, 

무슨 일이냐고 물어보자

끔찍한 소식을 들었다고 했습니다 

다른 지역으로 이사를 갔던 가장 친한 친구가 새로운 곳에서 

친구들을 사귀는데 어려움을 겪더니 결국 자살해버렸다는 것이었습니다 

 

저는 그때까지 한 번도 제가 형이라 부르며 잘 따를 만큼 가까운 사람의 죽음을 경험해 본 적이 없었습니다 

저는 앞길이 창창한 어린 청년이 어떻게 자살하려는 생각을 했는지 슬픔에 잠긴 채 고민하게 되었습니다 

그러나 저는 곧 이미 그 이유를 알고 있다는 것을 깨달았습니다 

 

그 형은 아마 상황이 나아지지 않아서 외로움과 두려움을 느꼈던 것 같습니다 

그는 스스로가 마음에 들지 않아 그런 결정을 내렸던 것 같습니다 

제가 느꼈던 우울함과 절망을 그도 느꼈기에 자살을 결정한 것이었습니다 

 

저는 그와 같은 길을 향해 걷고 있는 저의 모습을 발견했고 

남은 삶 동안 제 형의 친구처럼 아무 것도 못한 채 외롭게 살 수도 있고 

아니면 두려움에 맞서 다른 사람들에게 다가가며 자기 자신을 바꾸려는 시도를 해 볼 수도 있었습니다 

이런 결정을 내리기란 절대 쉽지 않습니다

도전이란 안전지대로부터 벗어나 내가 두려워하던 것을 하는 걸 의미했죠

그리고 도전한다는 건 실패 할 수도 있다는 의미였습니다 

 

그러나 어디서부터 시작해야 할까요?

우선, 제 자신을 변화시키기 위해서는 제가 바꾸려고 하는 게 무엇인지 확실하게 하는 것이 필요했습니다 

어떤 사람이 되고 싶은지 그러기 위해서는 어떤 자격과 기술들을 가져야 하는지에 대한

장기적인 목표를 세웠습니다

 

그러나 여전히 벅차고 불가능한 일이라고 느껴졌습니다 

바꾸고 싶은 것들이 너무 많았기에 조금 쉽게 가기로 했습니다 

한 번에 모든 것을 할 필요 없다고 

스스로 다독이며 걸음마을 떼었습니다 

장기적인 목표들을 작은 성장으로도 가능하고 

크게 부담스럽지 않은 단기목표로 쪼갰습니다 

 

새로운 사람들과 대화하기나 수업 중에 질문하기 등 

제 천성대로 행동하는 것이 대부분은 바람직하지는 않았지만 

제가 규칙들을 잘 지킨다는 것을 알고 있었기 때문에 

특정 상황에서 어떻게 행동해야 할지 세세한 규칙들을 만들어냈습니다 

 

예를 들어, 수업 중에 손을 들고 발표를 해본 적이 한 번도 없겄기 때문에 

수업이 시작 되면 10분 안에 적어도 한 번은 손을 든다는 규칙을 만들었습니다 

이런 규칙 덕에 평소에 하기 힘들었던 것을 좀 더 쉽게 할 수 있었습니다 

 

저는 조금씩 자신을 몰아가며 조금씩 전진해나갔습니다 

많은 노력들이 성공을 거두지 못했고 잦은 차질과 실패를 겪었습니다 

그러나 실패가 결코 끝은 아니며 삶은 계속 된다는 것을 배웠고 

그래서 저는 자신에게 실패를 허용해 주었습니다 

과정이 중요한 것이지 결과는 중요하지 않다고 다독였습니다 

결과에 연연하지 않고 도전을 했는지 여부로 성공을 판단했어요 

 

또한 다른 사람들과 비교하는 것을 그만두었어요 

항상 저는 다른 사람들이 더 똑똑하고 자신감 있다고 생각했고 

그들과 같이 될 수 없다고 쉽게 낙심하곤 했지요 

그러나 다른 사람들과 비교하지 않고 저만의 기준점을 세우자 

더 빨리 발전해 나갔습니다 

 

그리고 실패할 때마다 '여자들과 대화하는 법을 모르면 평생 총각으로 살게 될 것'이라 되뇌며 스스로 자극했습니다 

그땐 실패보다 평생 총각으로 사는 것이 더 무서웠어요 

 

어떤 일을 시도할수록 점점 쉬워짐을 깨달았습니다 

어떤 일을 여러 번 성공하게 되면 진정한 자신감을 가질 수 있게 되고 

더 이상 규칙들에 의존할 필요가 없게 됩니다 

성공은 자신감을 만들고 또 자신감은 성공을 만든다는 선순환을 만드는 것이지요 

 

그리고 개인의 의지만으로는 변하기 어렵다는 것도 배웠습니다 

도움을 주는 사람들과 함께 할 때 우리는 더 큰 성장을 할 수 있거든요 

어떤 조직에 가입하거나 사람들과 어울려야 도움을 받을 수 있답니다 

저는 드라마 클래스와 토론클럽에 가입하고 운동을 시작했습니다 

이런 조직들을 통해 진짜 친구들을 만들 수도 있었답니다 

 

저는 어렸을 때는 제 문제를 말하지 않았습니다 

그때 부모님과 형을 조금만 더 일찍 신뢰할 수 있었더라면 

그리고 상담가나 정신과 의사와 대화할 수 있었다면 좋았을 거예요 

도움이 될 만한 사람이나 같은 문제에 처한 사람들을 

만날 수  있다는 사실을 그때는 알지 못했거든요 

 

 

 

마지막으로 우리 모두는 힘겨운 시간을 겪고 있고 

도움을 필요로 한다는 것을 말해주고 싶습니다 

그리고 당신이 어려움을 겪고 있을 때 도와줄 사람이 있다는 것도 말해주고 싶어요 

 

당신이 현재 믿을 만하고 또 대화를 나눌 만한 사람이 없다면 

당신을 도와줄 수 있는 상담가나 정신과 의사 

또는 한국자살방지협회나 보건복지부 같은 곳에 도움을 요청하세요 

 

우리는 모두 행복할 권리가 있고 여러분의 삶뿐만 아니라 

여러분 주변 사람들의 삶까지 바꿀 수 있는 능력을 가지고 있습니다 

어떤 삶의 무게가 당신을 짓눌러도 당신은 혼자가 아니며

그 무엇이라도 이겨내 더 나아질 수 있습니다 

저 역시 항상 응원하고 있음을 

기억해 주길 바랍니다 감사합니다 

 

--- 화면자막 타이핑 ---

 

 

 

uh negocio Chanin cannula Mira Yoda

Moodle Monica - no more panop sunita

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mamita good evening my name is Quan Yeol

and it's an honor for me to be here with

you tonight and I want to thank all of

you for giving me the opportunity to

tell you a little bit about myself and

why I've come to Korea a few years ago I

had the good fortune of winning the

American reality show Survivor and since

then I've received many wonderful

letters from people here in Korea some

of them have been very gracious and

thanked me for increasing the profile of

Korean Americans on television a number

of them come from parents who are asking

for advice on how their children could

get into good schools like Harvard or

Stanford or Yale or how they could get

jobs working at places like Google and

McKinsey I've also gotten my share of

unusual letters for a while I got a

number of letters from people asking me

to marry them but what was interesting

is that they all have the same

handwriting so I think they're all from

the same people and the handwriting was

a little bit messy and kind of masculine

so I think

they're all written by a man in any

event I'm incredibly thankful for all

the support that I've received and I've

been moved by all the letters that I've

read but the ones that have touched me

the most are the ones from young Korean

students like many of you out here

tonight I've been incredibly inspired to

hear from so many wonderful and

thoughtful students who dream of a

better future and have great ambitions

but at the same time I've been hearing

more and more stories from students like

yourselves who are struggling

many of them are overwhelmed with

pressure from their schools and from the

parents many are worried about their

futures and they're worried about

disappointing their family as if they're

not successful and some of them are

experiencing deeper psychological and

emotional problems but they're too

ashamed to tell anyone and they feel

trapped whenever I hear stories like

these my heart goes out to them because

it reminds me of how much I struggled in

my youth when people look at me today

they often look at my accomplishments in

my resume and they think that I've

always been successful to think that

I've always been a natural leader but

what people don't know is that for many

years I struggled with psychological

disorders that made it hard for me to

have a normal life and as they got worse

I became increasingly depressed and at

one point in my life considered ending

my own life now I didn't tell anyone and

I didn't ask for help because I didn't

think anyone would understand

and so I struggled by myself in silence

we still live in a society where

emotional and psychological problems are

not seen as medical problems but they're

seen as defects of character or weakness

of spirit there's a lack of awareness

and understanding and there's a stigma

attached to mental illness so that

people who need help don't ask for help

and that families and

of people who are in trouble don't

understand them they ignore the problem

they often criticize them and blame the

victim I think this is something that we

have to change before more lives and in

tragedy so for the past couple of years

I've started doing something that I

hadn't done before I started speaking

openly about my own problems and I've

written about my experiences in a book

that's being published this week called

nuttin male genin Honda now in my case

there are probably many different

reasons why I had the problems that I

did but certainly the environment in

which I grew up was one of them when I

was born in the United States in 1975

Koreans made up a tiny percent of the

population just 0.15 percent and being

part of such a small ethnic minority

made it easy to be discriminated against

my mom tells me that when I was a young

child I was actually very talkative and

outgoing but once I started going to

school a change

I became quiet and fearful and timid

kids would make fun of me because my

parents spoke Korean in public and

because my mom packed me lunches with

all these strange foods like kimchi and

kimbap I also had a severe Lisp when I

was a child which made it hard for

people to understand me and a lot of

them thought that I had an accent so I

became afraid to speak up because I

didn't want to get ridiculed and bullied

but staying silent didn't stop the

bullying and in fact it made it worse

no kids would call me names like chink

and Chong and they would make faces at

me by slanting their eyes there was one

incident in particular that had a

devastating impact on me when I was in

elementary school one year a lot of the

bigger kids would pick on me and some of

my friends and what they would do is

they'd hide in the bathroom and when we

came in they would beat us up and then

they would try to urinate on us even

when these attacks stopped I found that

I was so scared that I couldn't go to

the bathroom at school or anywhere were

there other people around

I would stand in front of the year-old

trying to force myself to go to the

bathroom and I'm just so scared I

couldn't relax and I couldn't go and

because I couldn't use a bathroom in any

public setting I couldn't go to movies I

couldn't go to sporting events I

couldn't go shopping I couldn't go to

parties I became a prisoner in my own

home and I missed out on so many of the

experiences and memories that other

normal children had my lack of

self-confidence also led to other

problems I started developing

obsessive-compulsive disorder so I

started washing my hands 20 times a day

until they became so dry that they would

crack and bleed I developed a form of

social anxiety disorder where I would

get so nervous around other people that

I would start sweating uncontrollably

and this usually happened especially

around white people and around girls and

when I'm talking about sweating I'm not

just talking about a mild perspiration I

mean I would literally perspire and

drench my face and my clothes and just

humiliate myself I can't tell you how

embarrassing that was so I stopped

talking to people I avoided people

because I didn't want to humiliate

myself in public all these problems left

me feeling profoundly depressed and

isolated and in retrospect knowing what

I know today I realized I should have

gotten help but at the time I just

couldn't bear the thought that anyone

would learn my secrets you know I knew

that my parents loved me but I thought

that they just wouldn't understand and I

thought if I told them that they would

dismiss my concerns as figments of the

imagination or even worse that they

would blame me or be disappointed in me

so I struggled by myself in silence I

remember praying that as I got older my

problems would go away but I found that

they were getting worse and eventually

my depression turned into despair and I

started thinking about killing myself

slow emotional spiral downward might

have continued if it wasn't for the

tragedy that happened to my brother one

day when I was in Middle School I came

home and my brother had just gotten off

the phone and when he looked at him his

face was white and I asked him what's

wrong what happened and he told me that

one of his best friends who had moved to

a different part of the country earlier

and who had trouble making new friends

had just committed suicide until then

I'd never had someone that I knew died

especially someone who was close to me

soand I looked up to as a hyung and in

my brief in my shock I remember thinking

to myself how could this happen how

could someone who's so young and who had

their whole lives ahead of them do

something to end their own life and I

realized I knew the answer he could do

it because he felt so alone and scared

and he had given up hope that things

might get better he could do it because

he didn't like himself and he couldn't

imagine being anyone different he could

do it because he felt like I did I saw

them that I was heading down the same

path and I realized that I had to make a

choice I could do nothing and I could

continue down this road and become

lonely and isolated my whole life or

until I decided like my brother's friend

did that life just wasn't worth living

anymore or I could make a choice I could

decide to change myself to confront my

fears and to reach out to other people

emotionally you know this this was a

hard decision for to make try meant that

I would have to push myself out of my

comfort zone and do the things that made

me scared try meant that I could fail

but where do you even start well I

thought about it and I figured that if

I'm trying to change myself the first

thing I have to do is figure out what I

wanted to change so I made a list of the

long term goals that I had for myself

kind of person that I want to become and

the kind of skills and qualities that I

would want to have but even then it

became such a daunting impossible task I

mean there's so things so many things

about myself that I wanted to change so

I made it easier for myself I told

myself that I didn't have to change

everything all at once you know I could

take little baby steps

and so what I did was I broke up my

long-term goals into smaller short-term

goals that didn't seem so overwhelming

that I could do in small increments each

day for example I made a checklist of

all the things that I had to do like

raising my hand in class or saying hello

to someone that didn't know I also

realized that I couldn't just rely on my

natural emotions to guide my behavior

but I knew that I was good at following

rules so I started creating rules for

myself for how I would have to act in

certain situations for example you know

I found that you know one of the things

I was very hard for me to do is to raise

my hand in class so I made a rule for

myself that in the first 10 minutes of

class I had to raise my hand and what I

found was that by relying on these rules

it was a little bit easier to do things

that I was normally too afraid to try by

constantly pushing myself a little bit

every day I started making progress you

know a lot of my earlier efforts weren't

successful and I had many frequent

setbacks and failures but I learned that

failing at something isn't the end of

the world life still goes on and more

importantly I gave myself permission to

fail I told myself that what mattered

was the process not the outcome and so I

began to measure my progress by wither I

tried not whether the result itself was

good or bad and I also stopped comparing

myself to other people now I'd always

had this mindset where I look at other

people and think you know there's so

much smarter than I am

there's so much more articulate there's

so much more popular I could never be

like them but once I started to

benchmark my progress against my own

goals rather than comparing myself to

other people

I found that I didn't get as discouraged

and that I was making more progress

and the other thing is that whenever I

failed and felt that I was getting D

motivated I motivated myself by telling

myself that if I never learned how to

talk to girls I never get married

now it's stay a virgin for the rest of

my life and that scared me more than

failing what I learned is that if you

try something over and over again then

it becomes less scary less terrifying

and once you're able to do something

successfully enough times that starts

building real confidence and then you

don't have to rely on these rules so

much and then you have this virtual

cycle that develops where success breeds

confidence and confidence breeds success

the other critical lesson I learned is

that it's hard to change yourself by

yourself just using sheer willpower now

you can make a lot more progress if you

get other people to help you and the way

you get other people to help you is by

joining organizations and surrounding

yourself with people who can support you

and hold you accountable and provide you

with a sense of community so in my case

our joined a drama class and I signed up

for a debate club and it started playing

sports and three of these organizations

I started making real friends the thing

that I didn't do until I was much older

was to start talking about my problems

looking back I wish I trusted my parents

more I wished I trusted my brother I

wish I'd spoken to a counselor or a

mental health professional what I didn't

know is that there are resources

available to help people discreetly and

give them support and where you can also

find other people who are going through

the same things in closing I just want

to say that we all go through difficult

times in our lives and they're points

where we all need help and that's not

something to be ashamed of and when you

do need help there are people out there

who will help you if you ask for it

if you don't know anyone that you can

trust then go to a counselor or a mental

health professional who works at an

organization whose job it is to help you

like the Korean Association for suicide

prevention with the Ministry of Health

and Welfare I believe that each of you

deserves and has a right to be happy

each of you has the power to change and

to improve not just your life the lives

of everyone around you and whatever

burdens you may be carrying I want you

to know that you're not alone that

things can and will get better that I'll

be cheering for you

thank you and good luck

you

you

 

 

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